Looking through an array of different notebooks and journals that I own, I stumble upon an entry that I wrote a year ago. As I read the barely legible writing, I came to the realization that this was the day of my own internal awakening. The day I separated my heart from my mind. The day I WOKE THE F UP!
Now I am going to be a bit transparent here and disclose the content of this entry, no names will be revealed just a story told of a woman who finally stood face to face with her own actions in love.
January 31, 2018
So I've come to the realization that my love for LOVE has been the reason why I can't achieve it. In all the men I've dated or been with, one thing has become a common factor: they all had some type of issue, whether it be financial or other situations that caused some sort of disfunction in their life. I fed off of those issues and in return internalized my own. Someone new has entered into my life and they are so raw with emotion, that it has me seriously looking at myself and putting my own emotions into prospective. Being that he is in no need of help, and my Captain Save A Guy role is not required, my emotions are all over the place. I find myself exhibiting behaviors that were not present in past relationships or interactions. I have embarrassed myself on several occasions by being jealous, about things I could not even explain when asked, showering with gifts in exchange for affection, being possessive to a being who is not to be owned. Wow I really had to take a quick look in the mirror and reflect on who I truly was when in love and what stared back at me was an image I did not recognize but had definitely been present for so long. I only noticed this part of me because I was in the presence of someone who needed nothing from me but gave everything to me. Why cause chaos where it does not have room to develop in this space of peace. Enjoy him and all that comes with him cause this will be memorable and may not last forever."
We are all human and make mistakes, make sure you take the time to self reflect once in a while, cause the love you give maybe the reason for the love you receive. While I believed for years, the way I love was the only way to love, I allowed a lot of room for pain, hurt, and manipulation. I saw them as imperfect people needing just a little love to get through the day while the bare minimum was thrown my way. Don't trade your worth for someone else's happiness, because in the end those shattered pieces you are left with are your own to put back together and those scars take time to heal.
I hope this reaches someone...
With love,
K
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